Drunk & Disorderly
by RattyCatty
Summary: Set during 4x15. Regina, Maleficent, Ursula, and Cruella get drunk as hell and do stupid crap. Emma has to sort them out. Dragon Queen and Sea Devil (and whatever their OT4 name is) with a hint of Swan Queen. Dumb fluff/vaguely humorous. Tl;dr: everyone's drunk and/or queer.


**Helloooo again! This is set during 4x15, Enter The Dragon. I apologise for any plot errors (or any other errors, for that matter). Our favourite bad ass women get drunk as hell and do stupid crap, and Emma actually does some sheriff-ing. Sort of OT4 Dragon Queen/Sea Devil stuff with a hint of Swan Queen.  
**

**Feedback is always appreciated and keeps me going!**

**Warnings: Alcohol consumption (_obviously) _and a small amount of swearing.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Once Upon A Time.**

* * *

The shrill sound of the station phone ringing startles Emma out of her mid-night-shift nap (she hadn't meant to fall asleep but nightshifts in Storybrooke were just _so boring)_. Blinking away the sleepy blur of her vision and rubbing a hand over her face, she groggily picks the phone up. "Sheriff Swan speaking."

An alarmed and slightly confused male voice replies. "Sheriff, there's a gang of women causing trouble near the lake on the town border." The caller pauses, and Emma can almost picture him squinting at whoever is causing the trouble. "I think they're drunk. They're pretty rowdy."

Emma sighs. She'd like to know how much of her job is taking care of unruly drunks, and how much is arresting actual criminals. "How many of them are there?"

There's a pause as the caller counts. "Four," he says finally. "Looks like those two newcomers and–" he stops again. "Is that Regina?" he wonders, half to himself as he tries desperately to piece things together.

The caller says something about some other woman, but Emma doesn't hear for the panic rising inside her. What the hell is Regina doing, getting drunk and rowdy with _them? _Emma knows that they're apparently trying to redeem themselves – though she has her doubts about that – but is getting wasted and disturbing the locals really the best way to achieve that?

It doesn't matter, because she's blurting out a quick "I'll be there" to the man on the other end of the line and then launching herself out of her seat. She grabs her service gun and holsters it, and then rushes out of her office. "Dad, we've got a call," she barks, heading on out to the car with a quick glance at her father and deputy.

"Emma?" David asks when they're strapped in and roaring down Main Street. "What's going on?"

"Regina's with Cruella and Ursula, apparently cruising for a night at the station for drunkenness and disorderly behaviour," she explains quickly.

David furrows his brow. When he and Snow had asked Regina to go undercover to find out their plans, this wasn't quite what they had in mind. "I'm sure Regina's fine, Emma. She can look after herself," he offers.

"Yeah? Even when she's drunk?" Emma challenges.

David can't come up with a strong argument against that; he knows full well that alcohol can reduce even the most self-dependent and street-wise people to useless, bimbling idiots. He lapses into silence as Emma grips the steering wheel with whitening fingers.

* * *

They pull up to a silent, empty space beside the lake where the caller had said he'd seen the women; David reckons it's better to stay out of sight until they can gauge the situation, and Emma reluctantly obliges.

Peering through the trees, still seated in the Sheriff cruiser, Emma searches for any sign of the four women. For a long time, she sees nothing but foliage and dark sky, but at last, she catches a glimpse of something.

Bright red light is what she catches through the trees. It glows and flickers, before burning out. A nearby cheer floats through the open window of the cruiser, and Emma recognises the sound as Cruella's low, gravelly voice.

The light appears again, but this time, Emma hops out of the cruiser and shuts the door as quietly as possible. She gestures for David to do the same, which he does. Together, they inch through the forest towards the source of the light, Emma reaching for her magic just in case.

Now she can see the four women, and a hint of admiration ignites inside her before she clamps down on it – magic comes so easily to these women, and Emma's sure that if she tried to do magic drunk, it would be an absolute disaster. Chances are someone would lose a limb.

Cruella is half-sitting on the hood of her car with Ursula on her lap, a bottle of whisky in one hand and an arm wrapped around the sea witch. Her crimson lips are twisted into a wide grin, and she watches Regina throw fireballs at a very sorry looking car (though it's more of a charred lump of metal than an actual car now). Every now and then, one of the women cheer or throw a teasing comment at the former evil queen, which only spurs Regina on more.

A fourth women that Emma doesn't recognise stands uncomfortably close to Regina; her front almost presses against Regina's back as she watches the woman with a look of pride. "You've gotten so much better at this since I first met you," she purrs into the brunette's ear, trailing fingertips lightly down Regina's arms.

Emma is sure she sees Regina shiver – it's because of the cold, right? It's cold out, and she can't see that well from here anyway.

Ursula and Cruella exchange knowing glances at the familiarity of the two other women, and the Sheriff feels the tell-tale burn of jealousy.

Regina rolls her eyes and scoffs at the compliment in typical Regina fashion, turning and walking right past the unknown blonde woman, instead heading for Cruella. She takes the bottle of whisky right out of her hand and takes a few generous swigs straight from the bottle. Cruella watches with a flirtatious smile and hungry eyes that rake up and down Regina's form. "Told you she'd be more fun once she's loosened up a bit," the woman murmurs to Ursula, not looking away from Regina. Ursula nods in agreement, smirking at the former queen for a minute before leaning in and kissing Cruella.

From where she's standing, Regina clears her throat loudly. The lovebirds break apart, and almost immediately, the brunette presses her open mouth to Cruella's, claiming the woman as her own right in front of the dark-skinned sea witch. Ursula doesn't seem pissed, though; she just watches patiently, mischief dancing in her dark eyes.

Jesus. Who's with who here?

Deciding that enough is enough, Emma pushes out her magic in the form of a magic dampener – a spell that Regina had taught her in case she got into trouble. It doesn't stop all magic, but it makes it a hell of a lot harder to access said magic. Then, she gets out two sets of cuffs and moves forward. "Alright. Party's over, ladies," she announces, stepping into the moonlit clearing and breaking up the party.

Cruella and Maleficent turn to face her first, eyebrows raised. They pull off the femme fatale act surprisingly well considering how drunk they are – which is pretty damn drunk, if the bottles littering the ground are anything to go by. "Really, Sheriff?" Cruella challenges lowly.

"Really," Emma replies drily with a sweet smile. "You're all coming down to the station with us for drunkenness and disorderly behaviour."

"And if we refuse? You can't take all of us on," the blonde woman says. She seems the most sober of the lot of them and will probably be the most trouble.

Emma shrugs, wandering coolly towards Regina, who has stepped away from Cruella and is watching the events with dark, conflicted eyes. "Then resisting arrest will be added to your charges," she answers nonchalantly.

In a single quick movement, Regina's hands are behind her back and the brunette's hips are pressed against the hood of the car. It's all a front, of course – a way of showing she's the one in charge and that she's not taking liberties. She'd rather not be so rough with Regina – though she's aware that a small corner of her mind enjoys having the brunette in this position. She ignores it as best as she can, and locks the disgruntled mayor's hands together in cool metal.

David catches on and in a second, he's snapping cuffs onto Cruella's wrists.

"_Sheriff,"_ she purrs, batting her long eyelashes – she actually does that and Emma cannot believe it because _who actually does that? _The woman's piercing green eyes shine mischievously as they move over his form. What is this woman's issue?

Not bothering to correct her assumption that he's the sheriff rather than just the deputy, David glares sternly at her in an attempt to shut her up. She just laughs lowly, and he learns quickly to just ignore her completely.

When all four women – Emma learns that the blonde's name is Maleficent – are cuffed and forced into submission, they all cram uncomfortably into the police cruiser and begin the journey back to the station.

* * *

It's less than ten minutes down to the station, but it might be the most uncomfortable car journey Emma's ever experienced. Cruella doesn't stop making suggestive comments directed at – well, everyone really, but mainly David and Ursula – and Emma is sure she can see Maleficent's fingers stretching out of her lap where her hands are cuffed to graze Regina's thigh. Regina doesn't even try to stop her – just smirks and shifts closer so her legs are more in reach, even going as far as to let them fall open the smallest amount.

Don't even get Emma started on Ursula's tentacles that have a tendency to sneak out from god knows where and slither along Cruella's skin. Good god. Emma is unpleasantly reminded of some mentally scarring anime porn she stumbled upon on the Internet one day.

It's a breath of fresh air to get out of the cruiser – both metaphorically and literally, because the four women reek of alcohol and smoke. Then it's into the two cells for the four of them; Maleficent and Regina sharing one, and Ursula and Cruella sharing the other. Emma can already tell it's a bad idea to put sexed-up couples together, but she doesn't have the energy to deal with the magical temper tantrums that will happen if she doesn't. Besides, they all seem to be with each other in some sort of polyamorous relationship anyway.

"You're spending the rest of the night here. You can go when I'm convinced you've sobered up," Emma tells them as sternly as she can manage in her sleep-deprived state. "I'm right there–" she gestures to the office "–so no funny business, ok?" When the confined women roll their eyes, Emma turns and heads back to her office, slumping into her seat and propping her feet up on the desk.

Then, she watches her prisoners and listens to the minutes tick away.

* * *

Emma is amazed at how loose and _utterly ridiculous _Regina – the _Mayor, _for Christ's sake – can be when drunk. The brunette spends a couple of minutes glaring at Emma through the bars of the cell, no doubt furious about her incarceration. It takes a few purred words from Maleficent and a press of red lips on her neck to get her to calm down and relax – after all, they may as well, because they're not getting out anytime soon.

Regina retires to the hard prison cot at the back of the cell, Maleficent in tow. The blonde sits at the head of the bed, leaning against the wall, and the brunette sits between her knees with her back pressed to Mal's front.

Emma's earlier jealousy flares up again and all she can think of for a minute is what it would be like to be in Maleficent's place; arms looped around Regina's waist, and not a hair's breadth of space between them.

She's pulled out of her dream by David, walking in with two hot coffees. "How are things going?" he asks with an apologetic expression.

The blonde shrugs. "About as well as they could," she replies, taking her coffee and mumbling a grateful thank you into the cup.

David shifts uncomfortably. "Look, Emma," he begins. Emma's stomach drops. Her father stutters for a second before finding the words. "You should probably know that this – it wasn't Regina's idea. We – your mother and I – asked her to go undercover and find out what those three are up to."

Emma's eyes widen. "Wha – really? And you didn't tell me?" Her voices raises, and she sits up properly.

Her father shrugs and grimaces. "We thought she could take care of herself."

"You said that earlier," Emma grumbles, sitting back again and relaxing slightly, though her frown remains.

"But what I mean is that anything you hear Regina say tonight is a front," he says in a low voice. "She's trying to convince them she's still evil."

Emma nods, shifting her attention to the intoxicated women again. True to David's words, Regina grins devilishly whilst Cruella proudly reels off her worst sins. Honestly, it's quite amazing how well Regina keeps up the appearance despite her inebriation. If Emma didn't know better, she'd be worried that the brunette had reverted to her old ways.

When the women move away from listing their victims, and instead begin discussing various sexual conquests, Emma promptly tunes out. Yes, they're all very attractive women, but she could do without hearing about their experiences in _graphic detail _– especially Ursula's.

* * *

It's a whole two hours of raucous laughter and conversation Emma would rather she never heard again before the confined women begin to tone it down and chill out. She suspects they're finally reaching the stage of drunkenness where anything and everything looks like a decent bed, for which she could not be more grateful; Emma's not sure how much longer she could put up with listening to their noise.

Both couples have squeezed onto their respective prison beds – there are limbs hanging everywhere and it's certainly not tidy or graceful but they've managed to fit two people on beds that aren't even big enough for one. That alone deserves some credit.

Regina rests on her back, half on top of Maleficent with one arm hanging over the edge of the bed. She lifts an arm unsteadily into the air, unfazed by her lack of coordination, and lilac sparks spring from her fingertips. They drift upwards, and with a sloppy flick of a wrist, they twist into something like a flower before fizzling out. It's not a lot, but with her alcohol-hazed mind and the weakening magic dampening spell in place, it's the best she can manage.

Cruella and Ursula watch in awe, curled up together on their cot. Maleficent just chuckles softly. "That all you can manage?" From anyone else or in any other situation, it would sound harsh, but Regina just laughs breathily and rolls her eyes, flicking her wrist again and summoning more coloured sparks.

The women watch the light show until Regina's magic dries up – which isn't very long, as it turns out, because she's tired and drunk, and it's too much effort to fight the dampening spell. Ursula and Cruella are the first to drop off to sleep, and Emma tries not to think about the few tentacles that creep out from under the sea witch's clothes to hug Cruella closer.

Maleficent and Regina just soak up each other's company, staring up at the ceiling and allowing their hands to stroke over smooth skin and luxurious material. The only sound is the soft snoring of the two other women, until the brunette breaks the quiet by whispering, "I missed this, Mal."

"Of course you did," the blonde whispers back. "You always were the more romantic of the two of us." A beat passes, and Emma waits tensely to hear how Regina responds to that. She doesn't, though, because Maleficent adds, almost inaudibly, "So did I."

Regina breathes out a laugh, and turns her head into Maleficent's warm body. With that, they fall asleep at last, and Emma is left alone in the dark with her coffee and dumb cat videos.

* * *

The sun streaming through the station windows wakes Emma up, and she curses when she realises that she fell asleep with four powerful magic users locked up. She jumps out of her chair and dashes out of her office, into the main room where the two cells are.

All four women are sleeping soundly, present and correct. Satisfied that no one's broken out or killed anyone, Emma exhales, and heads back to the office to get started on paperwork.

A little later, Emma hears a low, pained groan from one of the cells. It panics her for a second, until she remembers how hungover the women are going to be this morning. _Serves them right for causing so much trouble._

She supposes she better see if any of them need a drink or something, so the Sheriff goes back into the room.

A very disgruntled-looking Regina is sitting up on the edge of the bed with her head in her hands. Her usually-perfect hair is a mess, her make-up is smudged, and she looks like she's been on a 24 hour bender. As if sensing Emma's presence, she braves a quick glance up, shielding her eyes with her hands. "Why am I here?" she moans. Waking up hungover and locked in a cell at the sheriff's station is not a regular occurrence for her.

"You and your new friends there thought it would be a fun idea to get wasted and burn crap," Emma explains in a hushed voice. "We got a complaint so we dragged you all back here."

Regina raises her eyebrows in disbelief, and then sighs and looks away, glaring at nothing in particular as she struggles to remember something, _anything, _from the previous night.

Movement behind her grabs her attention, and she turns to see an awakening Maleficent pushed right against the cell wall. _Shit. _Regina is well aware of her track record with Mal and alcohol, and she knows that it's never a good mix. She's not sure she wants to know the fine details of what went on last night.

Emma watches for a second before speaking. "I'll get you some water and aspirin," she promises. "Then you can go."

Regina smiles gratefully, but it's more of a grimace thanks to the throbbing pain behind her eyes and in her skull.

In the ten minutes it takes Emma to sort out four glasses of icy water and the same number of doses of aspirin, all of the women are awake and back to their usual bitchy and rude selves. Regina's put some distance between herself and her old friend under the pretence that her hangover includes a wave of nausea and she needs some space to breathe. She's standing by the metal bars with her arms hanging through two gaps, eyes shut and trying to tune out Cruella's agitated grumbling.

David trails behind Emma, swinging the cell keys on one finger. "Alright, ladies," he announces loudly, making them cringe. "You're free to go." He strides across the room and unlocks the cage doors, offering up two glasses of water and a couple of tiny white pills to Cruella and Ursula. They take them with vaguely appreciative grunts.

Maleficent and Regina get their water and aspirin from Emma, and the brunette shoots the sheriff a quick thankful smile when her 'friends' aren't looking.

Then, the four of them stroll out of the station with smug smiles, free women once more.


End file.
